How often do we ask for advice, only to dislike what we hear or simply never act on it? How many times do we receive unsolicited advice that we didn’t even want? Advice-givers usually have good intentions—we’ve all been in the role. But is giving advice really the best tool for helping others navigate their challenges?
Research offers mixed perspectives on the effectiveness of advice. In Harvard Business Review’s article, The Art of Giving and Receiving Advice, it states, “Seeking and giving advice are central to effective leadership and decision-making...But managers tend to view these competencies as ‘gifts’ that one either has or lacks.” The authors argue that advice is actually a skill—one that can be developed and applied with great effect. They highlight common pitfalls like assuming you already know the answers, misidentifying the problem, and overstepping boundaries.
So, while giving and receiving advice can have benefits, it’s clear that doing it well requires finesse. How many of us, as advice-givers, have truly honed that skill?
In his popular TEDx Talk, How to Tame Your Advice Monster, Michael Bungay Stanier explores our tendency to jump in with advice before fully understanding a situation. He says:
“You know your Advice Monster. Somebody starts telling you about something. You don’t really know the situation. You don’t really know the people involved. You certainly don’t have the full context. You definitely don’t have the technical specifications. And after about 10 seconds, your Advice Monster’s like, ‘Oh, I’ve got something to say here!”
Stanier identifies three ways advice-giving can go wrong:
Stanier’s concerns align closely with those from the Harvard Business Review. The real problem isn't advice itself; it’s when giving advice becomes our default response.
Shifting the Focus: Listening and Asking Questions
So how do we improve the way we communicate, especially in situations where advice is expected? The answer lies in listening deeply and asking thoughtful questions.
In his book Reboot, Jerry Colonna writes, “…the way to guide is to ask and not to tell. There’s an indescribable power in a well-asked question; questions that are open-ended and honest (honest in that I couldn’t know the answer) allow my clients’ souls to speak.”
As a coach, my role is to listen actively and ask powerful questions that help clients uncover their own answers. I don't need to worry about becoming an “Advice Monster” because coaching is about honoring the client as the expert in their own life. I believe every client is creative, resourceful, and whole.
This approach also resolves the common issues with advice-giving:
The Power of Asking Instead of Telling
You don’t have to be a coach to apply this principle in your own life. The next time you're in a conversation, whether someone asks for advice or not, try this: resist the urge to offer advice. Instead, stay silent, listen deeply, and ask great questions. You’ll be amazed at how much richer and more productive your conversations become.
By listening rather than advising, we give the people we care about the gift of self-discovery and empowerment. And isn’t that far more valuable than any piece of advice we could give?